Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bathquake, n.: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray Simard
Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Debug: action commonly done by frogs
Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.